CIO (cry it out)?

The most popular methods on the internet are some form of crying it out (CIO). If you’re feeling hesitant, you can use the Ferber method which allows you to check on the baby at several intervals. Or you can just leave baby until she falls asleep. I haven’t read the actual books, and I don’t plan on buying them (the library has them permanently checked out). DH decided that we needed to sleep train our daughter, and he figured I am too soft to do it and decided to take it upon himself to implement it.

The first night, she took 18 min to fall asleep, but the wailing hurt my conscience (I opted to stay for the session, promising not to interfere). The second night, she took the same amount of time, and the wailing got to me. I think it had to do with guilt from the first night, and then going through the same thing again. It just wasn’t right.

Baby is anxious about being left alone

There is one thing I did not mention about our daughter that happened in the last months – she does not like being left alone. If I step into the kitchen to get a drink and leave her in the living room, she starts crying immediately. I don’t know if the sleep training books discuss this, but IMO, it’s a bit too much for my daughter to have to deal with being alone on top of putting herself to sleep. I wanted to deal with only one issue at a time. Even though DH was against stopping the CIO method the second night when I did interfere, he was open to trying something different the next day.

After reading up a little more, we decided that the crucial part of sleep training was putting our daughter into the crib awake. We will then try to teach her to go to sleep on her own slowly. Some people refer to this as Fading Out, and warn that it could take a while. I wanted to let my daughter put herself to sleep knowing that she was not left alone.

Adjusting sleep training for baby’s personality

The 3^rd night, we put her into the crib awake after nursing and putting on her sleeping sack. DD was happy and lay there for 30 min smiling at me. Then she started whining, and eventually crying. We tried to implement it like a CIO, refusing to pick her up, and telling her that she needs to go to sleep at intervals. It was a disaster: she cried furiously for 30 min, and was more awake and upset than ever. I think it’s her stubborn personality. This humane version of CIO was way worse than the turn off the lights and leave the room version. She knew we were there and leaving her alone, and she was absolutely furious.

I was at a loss at what to do, and DH stepped in to coo at her to get her to calm down. He was having a throat issue, so I took over and defaulted to singing Rock-a-bye Baby. She instantly calmed down…whew. And after another 20 min of singing, patting her belly and holding her hand, she fell asleep. I kept singing for another 10 min just in case, gradually stopping the patting and hand holding. It was a disaster, but we learned.

Finding a sleep training method that works for you

The 4^th night, we went with the routine, then putting her into the crib and then music to soothe her. She started fussing so we started the Rock-a-bye Baby, and she fell asleep after 20 min. Since we bypassed the 30 min of silence and the 30 min of crying, she went to bed an hour earlier.

One thing I didn’t mention before is that letting her fall asleep in the crib had a giant advantage, CIO or the fading method – she didn’t wake after falling asleep, unlike when I nursed her and put her into the crib.

Tonight is the 5^th night, and she fell asleep after 10 min of Rock-a-bye Baby. We have definitely made progress, and honestly, I am happy to sing her lullabies for 10 min while she falls asleep feeling secure. But we will keep working at it: the goal is to be able to leave her in the crib and let her fall asleep on her own. I am hoping that we will be able to skip the lullaby at some point, and just sit and smile at her while she puts herself to sleep.

Drawing on my own childhood experience

I feel very strongly about letting children fall asleep feeling safe because of my childhood. My parents went with the bedsharing route when I was 5 months old because I fell asleep instantly that way. I would not sleep well in the crib even when room sharing. All throughout growing up and to this day, I still sleep better when I share a room. I don’t remember my childhood much, but I do remember how my parents tried to get me to sleep independently by the time I was 4 or 5. I was able to put myself to bed sleeping in their bed, and they would transfer me to my own bed in my own room afterwards. But when I woke up in the dark, I was terrified and I would cry outside their bedroom door, unwilling to disturb them. Fortunately for me, my little sister arrived soon after and I had another person to share the room with, even if it was a tinier person than me.

For as long as she needs me, my daughter will always be welcome in my room.

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Our baby is slightly delayed in her gross motor skills at 3 months, and her pediatrician asked if we wanted to talk to a physical therapist for tips on what to do at home. Early intervention is important in all aspects of development (and healthcare), so we opted to meet with a PT to talk. Of course the very night before our appointment, I see this comment buried in a thread on the BeyondTheBump subreddit saying that we should be rolling baby onto tummy time – this is so that she understands the relation between being on her tummy and on her back, and just the general idea of rolling.

The very next day, the PT says the same thing. Roll baby onto back/tummy for tummy time. Great! Why didn’t the pediatrician say that 2 months ago? Better now than later I guess. We can also just let baby lie on her side to get used to other positions besides back-lying.

The other thing the PT mentioned which I didn’t know about is the transition to sitting. Baby likes sitting up so that she can look around. We have been holding her in our laps, or leaning her against us. There is one more option called the tripod position, which is baby using her arms to support herself while sitting down. This pose is important because it strengthens her arms, preparing her to crawl. Of course, she is also slowly building arm muscle when she’s on her tummy, but tummy time doesn’t require as much arm strength. The PT recommended that we start this after 4 months.

The last thing the PT mentioned was introducing our baby to her knee. I’m not sure what that’s about, but we haven’t really done it since baby is grabbing her toes already.

Since the PT’s visit, we have been rolling her, and letting her sit in the tripod pose. As a transition, we also let her just lie on her side. She has accidentally rolled from tummy to back once at 4.5 months, on that rare day when she lay down while being on her tummy. It’s actually a really natural transition once she lays her head down while being on her tummy, to being on her side, and then on her back. I just can’t figure out how to encourage her to put her head down from puppy pose. If you have tips, share them!

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I forgot to account for the interval. My baby feeds 2-3 oz every 1.5-2 hours. But it’s impossible to pump every 2 hours at work, so I ended up pumping every 4 hours instead, which means I needed to pump from both boobs. I end up getting 4oz from one side each time (before heading to work and at work), which seems to work for my supply. Some days I can’t get 4oz, and have to settle for 2 and try to pump the other side as well, which is annoying. Ideally, I would be pumping both sides simultaneously, saving myself some time.

I don’t use the maximum setting on my pump, so I could convert my single to a double following some instructions I found on youtube and other forums. I basically need 2 tubings (because Medela is annoying and has a different connector for each pump) and a splitter, which should be available at the aquarium store. I’ll report back when I get a hold of everything. Shopping is hard these days with a little one…so is blogging.

But my point is don’t bother buying the single electric pump. The double can be converted to a single, but not the other way around.

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I’ve been pumping according to my proposed schedule: middle of the night, before work, and at work, and the milk is flowing alright for now. My baby has been eating 2oz every 1.5 – 2 hours while I’m away, so I’ve limited myself to pumping only that much. The pumping hasn’t been too difficult until the past 1-2 weeks, when I’ve had times when I couldn’t pump even though the milk is there. On those days, I break into the freezer stash and try to pump extra at the next session to make up. Early on, I learned that the membrane on the pump needs to be good…I don’t know how to tell when it’s gone bad until I can’t pump properly with the same membrane multiple times (they have numbers on them so that you can keep track of the different ones). It doesn’t have to be torn to be less than effective. But I seem to also have a letdown issue now.

Making sure I only BF on weekends

While on maternity leave, I used to give a bottle when we go out on weekends because I didn’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in public. After going back to work, I forced myself to breastfeed in public because I wanted my baby to have access to all the milk she wants at least a couple of days a week. I worry that she is not eating enough while I am gone due to a preference for the boob.

The last couple of weekends, I’ve noticed that my boob feels very different at the end of the day. On weekends when I BF on demand, the boob is still at least partially filled at the end of the evening. But on working nights, I worry whether she wants another feeding because my boobs feel very empty.

6 weeks later, supply decreasing?

At work this week, I was talking to another pumping mother (we have a  common pumping room, and many of us seem to have a similar schedule), who told me her supply started dropping 6 weeks after she returned to work. With my recent pumping issues weighing on me, I’ve started to panic slightly, and decided to reconsider my pumping schedule. If I’m still filled on weekends, it means I am making enough milk, but something is wrong with my weekday schedule.

When I first started working part-time, the pumps before work and at work were just enough to take the edge off the engorgement. At some point I’m not sure when, I stopped feeling engorged, which is the right response from the body but I don’t want my boobs to stop making milk. Perhaps instead of pumping in the middle of the night, I should be focusing my pumping efforts on the morning pumps to make sure I drain my boobs sufficiently – meaning at least 3oz per session to match what baby eats, and possibly more. I’m pumping on the low end, and my colleagues tell me that their kids eat 10 oz in the same period (which is way more than 1.25oz per hour). I’m keeping the MOTN pump in case I have pumping issues in the morning.

Two days into the new schedule, things feel fine. I am pumping more than she eats, but I still have plenty of boob juice towards the end of the night. I’m wary that my supply will decrease as I continue to pump, so I am going to overpump and build up my stash with the leftovers. Let’s see how the next 2 weeks go.

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I read a blogpost that was on the sidebar link on the sleeptraining sub-Reddit on how to transition from the RnP, and I’ve seen other posters describe their experience. We only adopted one of the modifications suggested for the transition, the U-shaped towel to make the crib more cosy and less open.

We made one other change prior to the transition: we stopped swaddling her, and started putting her in a sleeping sack. She’s been escaping her swaddle for a long time now, but the RnP is a rather warm bassinet so we haven’t been too bothered by it. But she would be completely exposed in the crib when she escapes her swaddle. We put her in a sleeping sack for a couple of nights, and she was fine with it.

The first night, we let her sleep in the RnP for 30 min before shifting her to the crib. She slept for a long time till she started fussing at 8am from hungar, and couldn’t go back to sleep after the dreamfeed. We wanted to sleep longer so we put her back in the RnP, and she fell right back to sleep. The second night, we put her directly into the crib after she fell asleep, and she slept till 9am with a 4:30am dreamfeed. The same happened the 3^rd night. So far so good.

She is waking up earlier than before, at 9am instead of 11am, but she is also compensating by taking more naps during the day. While I think the transition went okay, we’re going to keep the RnP for a while longer in case we have to deal with the dreaded 4 month sleep regression.

I regret not taking more pictures of her when she was a newborn in the RnP. My little girl is growing up.

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Ready for Solids vs Eager for Solids

My daughter is now 3 months. Ever since she grew more conscious, she’s been interested in us eating. She has learned to smack her lips, and to chew imaginary food. My mom tells her that Grandma knows she wants to eat, but she’s going to have to wait a little longer. She thinks we may start introducing solids early, although seeing how she’s having problems with her neck, we may actually be delayed.

I’ve seen a lot of posts in online forums about how someone’s baby is “so ready for solids”, and I think of my daughter. It’s only recently when I was talking to my BIL (Brother-In-Law) that I realized that “ready for solids” is a technical term. Thankfully it was too early for me to make any mistakes.

Kellymom.com has a nice list of signs to look out for to determine when baby is developmentally ready for solids:

• Baby can sit up well without support.
• Baby has lost the tongue-thrust reflex and does not automatically push solids out of his mouth with his tongue.
• Baby is ready and willing to chew.
• Baby is developing a “pincer” grasp, where he picks up food or other objects between thumb and forefinger. Using the fingers and scraping the food into the palm of the hand (palmar grasp) does not substitute for pincer grasp development.
• Baby is eager to participate in mealtime and may try to grab food and put it in his mouth.

Also, baby should be at least 6 months old so that her gut lining is fully developed to minimize the development of allergies.

But she is so ready for solids

What should you do if baby is ready for solids, but below 6 months? I’ve seen a lot of forum posters mention that they introduce solids at as early as 4 months. Kellymom.com suggests allowing baby to participate without giving her solids. For instance, giving her expressed breastmilk in a sippy cup, or giving frozen breastmilk slush (I didn’t see a recipe, but I would probably follow directions on how to make granite) while seated at the dining table.

In many ways, I’m glad that I’m blogging about my experience as a FTM, because it forces me to read up on issues so that I can rant responsibly online.

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Mommy was going to be a career woman

Growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, it was pretty much assumed that I would go to college and land a job, and work seriously and competitively, unlike the women before me who had to fight for opportunities. After I finished college, I went on to a PhD in biology, and for a long time I considered applying to be a professor the natural career path.

When I was pregnant, I didn’t doubt that I would head back to work after my maternity leave was up, like the thousands of women who have gone before me. I get 16 weeks off, which seemed very reasonable given the lack of maternity leave in the US, and I thought it was reasonable. After the initial 6 weeks, it hit me that 16 weeks of maternity leave is not unreasonable, but it was inadequate – yes, I would have completely recovered by then, but my baby can’t even sit up. My priorities in life have changed: I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.

My husband has been throwing around the idea of being a stay-at-home dad for a while. I told him it’s because he is a guy that the idea of staying at home with the kids is okay. As a woman, I worry that I will end up like the women I’ve known, struggling to recover themselves and any career ambition after over 10 years of being home. Now that I have stepped into their shoes, I realize that they knowingly gave up their lives and careers for their children, and I would too if it were financially feasible.

I consider myself financially literate, and I have never worried about retirement planning. I was sure I could get a decent job, and save enough along the way to retire without trying too hard. A few years ago, I learned about early retirement, which is retiring well before the age of 60. I’m the kind of person who gets bored on vacation, so I’ve never really considered early retirement seriously. I regret it now. If I had skipped the PhD and worked for money, I could be in early retirement and be a stay-at-home mom. But if you had told me that I would want to do this 10 years ago, I would not have believed you. If I had to give advice to younger women these days, it’s to keep that option open because you’d never know if your priorities will change when you get older, when you become a mom.

With my new Mommy super power comes responsibility

I seem to have acquired new super powers – I am a deep sleeper, and I still am, but when it comes to my baby, I hear her in my sleep. My husband wakes up before I do, and makes at least a bit of noise as he prepares to go to work. I never hear him. On the other hand, I hear my daughter when she barely whimpers in hunger in the middle of the night. My husband went from being a light sleeper to one who is too tired to even wake up.

Are mothers naturally more in tune with their babies? I worry that I am not there to watch my baby now that I work part-time, and it’s going to get worse when I have to get back to full-time again. I’m focused on my work while I’m at work, but when I am going home, I rush. If I stop by the grocery store and take an extra minute to check out something that I want, I feel guilty.

I’m reconsidering my life, and I have no conclusions for now. The one thing I do know is that I want to give my baby everything I can, and more. I am now a mother.

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Amazon reviewers recommend the Fisher Price Kick and Play Piano Gym

My favorite way to shop is online, specifically through Amazon, even when I’m in a store. Amazon is great because they have consolidated hundreds of reviews by real people to help me decide whether to buy. The best selling activity gym is the Fisher-Price Kick and Play Piano Gym, so we got it. (We had good results with the FP Rock and Play, which was also highly recommended on Amazon. I’m a believer in FP products now.) I briefly considered the activity gym sold by Ikea (they have random gems sometimes), which had some good reviews that were questionable (“the wooden design fits into the aesthetics we had envisioned…”).

Baby likes her kick piano, I think

I was a little upset with myself for forgetting to buy my baby a toy. The other kids had a headstart, lying in their gym from day 1. Fortunately, most parents report that their newborns don’t really show any awareness of their toy until week 4 and beyond, so we haven’t missed out on too much fun.

Baby didn’t seem that excited about having things to look at overhead, but I think she understood the kick piano part pretty quickly. She does randomly kick while lying in her crib, but she definitely kicked more when there was musical feedback from the kick piano. Her first play session lasted 10 mins, and I thought it was a success. We can work on the hanging toys later.

Weeks later, our baby still hasn’t shown much interest in swatting at the hanging toys. But she does enjoy kicking the piano first thing when she wakes up in the morning. I leave her on the piano gym while I wash up in the morning. One weekend when she was about 10 weeks, my husband said “she’s kicking the hanging toys. Is that for real?” We watched her for a little longer, and it was for real. Baby hasn’t figured out how to use her t-rex arms, but she could curl her legs up to kick the hanging toys. I was pretty proud of her for figuring out that the things above could be reached by kicking.

Let them figure out how to play

One of my friends insists on buying open-ended toys for children, that promote multiple play methods like color pencils and paper. Educators also advise us to let children figure out how to play instead of showing them how to play – the kid who figures out how to play will come up with tens of ways to play, while the kid who learns how to play will only play the one way she was shown. (I’ll have to admit that I only read a review of The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik. I should try to read the actual book.)

Baby is 12 weeks old, and I think over the last week or so, she has finally figured out she can use her hands to swat at the hanging toys. That’s great, except now I have to figure out what the next toy purchase should be. That’s a question for the pediatrician next week, although I suspect she will ask me to focus on developing her neck muscles.

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Fast forward 10 weeks. Baby has grown a lot since birth, going from 50^th percentile to 95^th at her 8 week check up.  My brother-in-law, who is doing his internship in pediatrics, wonders how my breastfed baby managed to get so chubby. I’m leaving pumped milk in the fridge so that my mom can feed her while I’m gone at work. Grandma is strict: 2 oz every 1.5-2 hours. No more, no less. I think my baby is slightly underfeeding coz she wants to eat as soon as I am home, and every 1-1.5 hours till she falls asleep for the night. She has a touch of reflux, so she throws up sometimes after nursing.

“You’re overfeeding her because you can’t see how much she’s eating. She’s throwing up.” Said my mom. I still think my baby is underfeeding because she prefers the breast. I hold my tongue.

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I already had multiple practice runs starting 6 weeks – I’d leave for a few hours to attend to various matters, leaving baby with grandma. Everything seemed good. But at the end of the first week, I’m exhausted. There was a bit of learning along the way, so bear with me.

Mistake #1: trying to feed the baby before leaving

Although she is only 10 weeks old, baby sleeps through the night from about midnight to 11:30am. She has gained a lot of weight since birth, going from 50^th percentile to 97^th percentile at her 8 week check up. While our pediatrician told us not to let her go longer than 5 hours without feeding, my friend, who is a pediatrician, thought it was ok to let her wake when she wants feeding. That’s how we figured that she can go 6-8 hours without a feed. The downside is that I still have to wake up to pump.

The baby currently wakes up around 11:30am. She rouses around 6-8am on her own for a dreamfeed before going back to sleep. I don’t know why I thought I would be able to fit in a dream feed at 10am, and get out of the door by 10:30am. That was the first day. She ended up waking up instead of doing a dreamfeed, and she wasn’t hungry so she threw everything up. I forgot to mention that she doesn’t have much of an appetite in the morning. I decided then that I can’t count on being able to feed her, so I’ll have to pump before leaving.

She was waiting for me

Since she’s not that hungry her first meal, we figured it’s a good time to have TummyTime, and any other play and possibly a shower before eating. Even then, Grandma had to coax her into feeding about 2 oz, and the last bit takes forever to go down. A bit later, she’s hungry again but only managed to down another 2oz. And she takes a 3^rd 2oz feed before I get home. So I’m gone from 10:30am to about 3:30pm, which is 5 hours. 6oz is reasonable, except she doesn’t eat at night. She’s only taken in ¼ of her estimated daily intake of 24 oz in 5 hours, which is over 1/4^th of her waking hours. When she registers that I am home, baby indicates that she wants milk from me, and she ends up feeding every 1 – 1.5 hours until bedtime. So I think she gets her daily needs met, but it makes me feel bad that she’s decided to accommodate my schedule.

I could wake her up to dreamfeed, but it hasn’t been going that well – I sometimes end up waking her up too early. I’ve given up on changing her diaper at night.

There are babies who prefer to starve

Maybe I should consider myself lucky that my daughter is reasonable enough to want a snack when I’m gone. I talked to my cubicle mate the first day I was back, and asked her how the pumping room worked out. She said she didn’t pump; her baby only eats from the boob, so for the first 4 months, she had to go home every 4 hours. They started solids early.

Most babies will take a bottle, although many mothers worry about nipple confusion. What is usually unsaid is that babies can also have nipple confusion the other way: they don’t know how to use the bottle. However, just because babies can take a bottle doesn’t mean they want to take a bottle. Even if the caretaker is a familiar person, the baby will wonder what happened to the nice warm person with boobs.

I guess this is really a rant about maternity leave. 4 months seemed generous, but I now ask myself why I have to be gone before my baby can even sit up or crawl. I never thought about being rich or earning a lot of money, just enough to be comfortable. If I could go back 10 years, I would tell myself to work for the big bucks so that I can be a stay-at-home mom for as long as I feel needed. I never thought I would ever want to be a stay-at-home mom, but it’s not about what I want. It is more about what the baby needs.

I still like working, and I appreciate being outside of the home for a few hours each day. But there is still that guilt that I am not there for my helpless child, even if she is in good hands. I’m making it up by being extra attentive evenings and weekends, but I don’t think it’s healthy to over-indulge in the child because of my guilt.

I guess I’ll cope somehow. Because so many women have gone through this test, and survived.

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